Thursday, August 8, 2013

Excited. Not Excited.

One of my good friends, Erin, is about to have her first baby in a few weeks. Talking with her about her pregnancy reminds me of my own feelings regarding the Bambinos' birth.

Would I be a horrible person if I admitted I wasn't excited for them to be born?


Being pregnant was such a weird, special time for me. It was something uniquely mine and the Bambinos'. No one else in the world could understand exactly what my pregnancy was like. I've mentioned before that I didn't love being pregnant, but I loved feeling the Bambinos move around inside me. I knew I would miss that feeling more than anything else. I loved feeling them push against my insides and knowing that no one else knew what it was like to have these twins inside of them. I loved knowing that no one else knew what it felt like when every single day a breech Peanut got hiccups and his feet jolted against my hips.  I loved knowing that they were safe and protected in there. I knew that in the timeline of their life, the 38 weeks they spent inside me was such a short time so I wanted to relish the time I had with them in that way.

But at the same time, I couldn't wait to meet them. I slept maybe only three hours the night before they were born I was so filled with anticipation. I constantly wondered what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, if we would have a close relationship as they got older, if I could be the best mother in the whole wide world.


I wasn't excited for the Bambinos to be born because I was selfish. I wanted them all to myself because I knew sooner or later I'd have to share them with so many people. And I know they're lucky to have so many people that love them but for just a little while I wanted them all to myself. It was like I had a special little secret that no one else knew. I loved that.

I was excited for the Bambinos to be born because I was so excited to be a mother. I was excited to kiss them and cuddle them and love on them. I was excited to teach them things, and shape the people they become. I was excited to attempt to be the best mom in the whole wide world.


Now, we have such a special relationship. Both boys know they can always come to me when they need cuddles. I stop whatever I'm doing to hold them and squeeze them because I know all to soon those moments will be few and far between. I'm the story reader and the tickler. I'm the one who tells Peanut it's okay to cry if he tries to hold it in, I'm the one who insists Bug uses his words when he tries to get away with whining. I'm the one who will chase them in circles around and around the house because our house filled with their giggles is the best thing ever.

I hope to be the one to share secrets with them. I hope they come to me with absolutely everything. I hope that as they get older we get closer and closer. I hope we can find activities that are uniquely ours. Something that Peanut and I enjoy doing without anyone else and something Bug and I enjoy without anyone else....or maybe all three of us enjoy something together. We already have inside jokes that I hope only grow and multiply as they get older.


My excitement far outweighed my selfishness. The experiences I've had withe them "on the outside" far outweigh the specialness of them being inside. In these two and a half years, they've enhanced my life more than I could ever imagine. I hope I'm doing the same for them. I'm far from being the best mother in the whole wide world, but I'm trying.




P.S.
I've been updating my Etsy shop, I'd love for you to poke around and take a look.

2 comments:

  1. What a sweet story! I've always wondered what pregnancy is actually like because it seems like some people dislike it and other love every minute of it. Thanks for the insight!

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  2. Oh my gosh thank you so much for posting this. People keep asking me if I'm ready for the baby yet and I honestly keep saying "I'm ready to not be pregnant, but I'm not ready for the baby to be here." I remember other friends always saying they were so anxious to meet the baby... and I am, but I am also feeling scared and nervous. I suppose those are natural feelings, but it is making me want time to slow down a little!

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