Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Worst Relationship Mistake

I make a lot of mistakes.

Probably the worst mistake I made was right after I moved into B's house a little over 2 years ago.

We had a lot of stress on us: moving in together with me being 6 months pregnant, trying to figure out how to financially support two babies on one and a half salaries (I was only part-time at work), preparing the house for two babies, B was scared to death about becoming a father, I was worried about how our relationship would fare - there's a lot of pressure on new parents.

About two weeks after I moved in, I started sleeping in the spare bedroom.

Not because there was anything wrong, but because I didn't sleep well.

Remember, at just over 6 months I measured the same as someone who was full term.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I didn't sleep well so when I was pregnant I really didn't sleep.

I tossed and turned all night long so I didn't want to keep B up since he already got up at 4:30 every morning.

Big mistake.

I never thought the simple act of not sleeping in the same room would effect our relationship but it did.

My favorite time with Boyfriend was always laying in bed and just talking or laughing as we went to sleep or first work up. On the weekends, B would climb in bed with me after he woke up, but it just wasn't the same.
Yes, we used to be that couple.

Those few minutes of connection really made a difference and without them, our relationship suffered.

When the Bambinos were born, we all four spent the first few nights in our bedroom. But then the three of us started sleeping in the living room while B slept in our room - again because I didn't want to wake him up.

When the Bambinos started sleeping in their cribs, and through the night, somehow I ended up back in the spare. I wanted B to tell me (ask me?) to come back to his room and he thought that it didn't need to be spoken out loud. He assumed I knew.

In those first few months after you bring your bundle of joy(s) home, it's so easy to get wrapped up in them and their needs that you kind of forget about nurturing your relationship and because of this, our relationship went through a really rocky adjustment period.

That made it harder for me just to walk in and lay down in our bed. It's absurd now that I think of it, but that's how it was.

It wasn't until I hyped myself up probably three nights in a row, and after a year of not sleeping in the same bed, before I finally got the balls to just walk in and lay down.

A little over a month later, our relationship took a very good turn and it's been getting stronger and stronger since.

Sure, date nights are important, but I think the best advice I would give anyone and especially new parents is do not for any reason sleep in separate rooms.

When you first have a child, and especially twins, you're so busy taking care of this new little person's needs that it's easy to push the needs of the household's adults onto the back burner so sometimes those few minutes in bed are all you have.

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  1. Girl I hear you!! There was a period of time where LoLo and I were going to bed at different times and even that changed our relationship. He would be in bed at 9:30 and I wouldn't come in until at least 11. Going to bed together is such a comfort.

  2. Lindsay it is awesome that you touched upon this. I agree that intimacy is soooo important in a relationship - whether it be whatever you want. I love that you got the courage and just went in there - you are a good woman.. sometimes we fall into routine and miss out on great chances. Great read.

  3. I'm so glad someone else feels this way and addressed it. A few months ago I slept in the guest room because I wasn't sleeping that well and my man didn't understand that it was hard for me to be intimate if then we would go sleep in different places. It felt like a booty call or awkward roommate situation. But we have since talked about it and fixed it but I’m glad to know other women also have a problem with this. Thanks for posting :)

  4. Thanks for being so honest about this. We're going through that right now and I HATE it!! V will only sleep in our bed lately (big mistake even bringing her there!) and since we have a queen size, Ronnie has left to sleep in another room so she and I can have the bed to ourselves. Sure it's comfier that way but I miss him like crazy. We're working on getting her back in the crib soon because I don't want this to start affecting our relationship!

  5. Word. Thanks for sharing something so real. Interestingly for me, I always think I would prefer to sleep alone, but he doesn't agree, so I'm never going to the guest room :)

  6. Amen! It's so hard to keep a marriage (or relationship) going after baby(ies) are brought into the picture. My babies always have slept in their own room, but that's a personal choice - nothing to do with my marriage...but I think that would drive a huge wedge between us if I wanted to co-sleep or bed share. I love this post, thanks for sharing.

  7. Couldn't agree more! So important to nurture your relationship after kids....and if the parents have a healthy relationship it's good for the kids too! :)

  8. Such great advice! It's so easy to start bad habits when little ones come along. The relationship should always take top priority... It holds the family together!

  9. Thank you so much for this post - I can completely relate - not necessarily post pardem, but whenever the hubs is getting ready to deploy or leave for training, I find myself subconciously sleeping either on the bottom bunk in my daughter's room or on the couch. It's so weird but I dont really mean to do it - I am just preparing myself for sleeping without him :( Intimacy is so important so the next time he leaves, I am goin to try to keep it together and sleep in the same room - Thanks!

  10. lindsay, this is such a great post. it's always refreshing to read a slice of realness. isn't it funny how we can make up our own problems? but that's how it is! that's life.

    it's funny (well not ha ha funny but you know what i mean!) how a baby --the greatest joy that two people can create--can change a relationship if you let it. It was rocky for me and my husband right after Felix was born. I was emotional, I was that hovering new mom not giving him a chance and yet i felt like he wasn't trying hard enough as a Father (or a husband). All these crazy feelings you're going through just made me feel like being "a couple" was the last thing on my mind.

    We are finding our balance now (hello 6 week check-up if you know what i mean!) and it took me realizing that i couldn't forget to be a wife also, not just a Mama if that makes sense.

    thank-you for this.

  11. lol. I kicked Rich to the curb when I couldn't take his snoring anymore. Once I got preggo, forget about now and then. I now snuggle with Layla. :/ I know where you are coming from and going with this. For the record, last night....yes, just last night, we tried sleeping together again...SNORING! Me? AWAKE! #notgonnahappen


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