Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Time I Failed As A Mama

You know how sometimes things happen exactly they're supposed to? Yesterday, I received this sweet package from my favorite Meli Faif.
 It's a set of cocktail napkins that read, "I thought I childproofed my house but they still get in," a set of wash cloths with "E"s on them and a photo wallet, the perfect size for my new handbag.

This package couldn't have come at a better time because for the first time, I felt like I completely failed my Bambinos.

We had their 9 month check up yesterday and they're severely under weight. They've only gained 4 ounces since their six month check up. They're even less than 5th percentile (what they were last time) and if they weighed one pound less they would have gone straight to the hospital.

The pediatrician says their weight scares the pants off of him.

Since it's both Bambinos, the pediatrician thinks it's caloric and not medical so I have to feed them 16 ounces of formula in addition to the 24+ounces of breastmilk and three meals of baby food per day they currently get. He said my body may be producing fluid, but it may not have a lot of calories. We go back for a weight check in one month and if they're still under, he'll order a full work up to test their kidneys and everything.

So why do I feel like a failure? Because I knew they were small but had no idea just how small they were. I feel like I should have caught it sooner.

Because they sleep so well at night, they go for 14 hours without eating and I should have known that was too long. We now have to wake them up at 10pm for a bottle so they're only going 10 hours without eating.

Their height is too short, but not nearly as bad as their weight. Their heads are  in the 50th percentile and luckily the rest of their development is on track. We're hoping to have them caught up by their 12 month appointment.

I'm really hoping they catch up within the month and there's nothing wrong medically, then I'll really feel like a failure.

I feel like Meli's package came at exactly the right time (it was supposed to be here Saturday) because it was the Universe telling me, "Hey, it's okay! A lot of people care about you. Don't be so hard on yourself." It was a sliver of happiness after I'd been beating myself up all afternoon. Thank you Meli, you're amazing and I love everything you sent!


  1. :( This made me sad today! You're a good mama, you're doing everything you can do. You'll put some weight on those boys!

  2. :( i have a good friend that's baby is really under weight & they had to go through all of the bloodwork, etc. She is almost 2 and still wears 12 month clothes- nothing was wrong with her..she's just teeny! i hope the same for your bambinos!

  3. You're a great mama, Lindsay! Don't let this make you feel otherwise. Sometimes these things happen. If it is just that your milk doesn't have as many calories there is no way for you to have known that. Give yourself a break! No one has to be perfect at this. Our children love us anyway. :o) Love you!

  4. Awwww, Lindsay! Your babies are going to be just fine. My friend's daughter is off the charts small; she literally doesn't even register on the % scale, and she's 16 months! And one of the boys I babysit recently had his 18 month appt., and he weighs exactly what he did 6 months ago.

    You're incredible for breastfeeding so long in the first place, and I'm sure that with the boys' upped food & formula, they'll be right on track. You have happy babies who are very loved & sleep well--I'd say you're doing great!

    (Meli is so sweet!)

  5. Don't feel bad. I know plenty of small babies. Hopefully nothing is wrong and the boost in calories will help them grow :)

  6. Oh no are far from a failure of a momma. The exact opposite, in fact. I am glad my package helped to brighten your spirits when you needed it most. But, just because you may have small babes now, does NOT make you or BF failures IN ANYWAY!!!!!! You must know this. You must believe this. Failures leave their babies in their crib, in their soiled diapers, and let them scream. Failures don't feed them at all. Failures use drugs while they are pregnant with them. Failures hit their 9 months old because they just won't stop crying!!! aren't even close. I love you. Those babies love you. And you are awesome. The formula will pack the lbs. on them...don't you worry. Just keep on living....

    Love, Meli

  7. I meant to say keep on loving them....but living too!!! That's important. ;-) Chin up!!!!

  8. I had to comment on this post because my baby is a peanut too. At his 4m check up he was 12lbs 4oz, and at 6 months he was 12lbs 8oz. They wanted to do all the bloodwork and everything too, but the pedi wanted to try other things first. I had to wake Ryan up in the middle of the night and bottle feed him. It was really hard on me at first, but I realized my body just wasn't making enough milk for him so we had to start supplementing with formula & eventually switch over to formula. Ryan is still teeny tiny. At his 15m check up he was 19lbs 3 oz (1.11%). Some babies are small but that doesn't mean they aren't perfect.

  9. Awwww, girl, it's totally not your fault! It's just a medical issue, not anything that YOU did!! I'll be praying for them to eat, eat, eat and grow, grow, grow!!

  10. Awe doll, this makes me sad! It is not your fault! You never know until you see the are doing the best you can!! I feel like sometimes those percentages just freak everyone out, ya know! I mean babes grow at their own rate and are not all the same. Sometimes I feel like doctors are way too harsh. If they are thriving and happy then I think you are fine!!! Cheer up LOVE!!! PS those napkins ROCK....I NEED THEM NOW!!:) XOXO

  11. Hello dear, I love your blog! I'll see a lot for your blog!
    I invite you to walk through the mine and to follow me if you like!

    a kiss, Claire.

  12. Dont be so hard on yourself, your a good mom. I am sure with having them eat onc more time than they usually do they will be perfectly fine. I know some babies that are just small and thats just the way they are. Keep your head up and I hope you have a great weekend!


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